Surviving Holidays

Surviving through the holidays with the traumatic death of someone close by suicide can be overwhelming. Coping with Christmas or any event where the expectation of happiness abounds adds an extra layer of grief. Special care needs to be taken to ride out these hard days.

Unfortunately, much of our culture does not know how to hold space for the grieving, or even what that means. Instead, even the well-known and respected institutions give advice on how the griever should change and focus on the positive. Many Christian organizations push this as if it is the Biblical mandate. I have read their contrived explanations backed by verses taken out of context and find it lacking. This errant advice hurts those grieving, often driving them out of the church.

Holding space allows those hurting to be where they are, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It allows a judgment free environment where all is allowed. Space simply holds all that is within it. Space does not seek to change nor question why things exist. If you want a Biblical perspective, read 1 Corinthians 13.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Surviving the difficult day must be the primary thing. People need you to survive, even if that means you cannot be present on this day. Maybe you do not feel needed, but I assure you, you are needed. I have canceled plans with close friends because I could not be present at that time. Sometimes I just do not show up to group events. The more people that will be there, the less likely I will attend. Some days sit heavy on my chest and all I can do is breathe in, breathe out, and repeat until I can move. Whatever it takes, ride out the day because it will get softer and you find days where you can go out.

The largest hurdle I faced was coping with people’s expectations for a smile. This becomes a demand during holiday festivities. Others act as though their happiness depends on everyone smiling. I wish others a merry Christmas because I hope they find moments of joy, and I accept their simple wish in return. However, when grieving, especially early grief, smiles are rare and forced smiles create pain. You need to get through using whatever method makes you comfortable. Usually, I did not cave and force a smile until around my third or fourth year. Now I find it easier to fake it and make people think I am ‘normal’, or somewhere in that area.

Dealing with traditions can add more grief. They may cause painful memories or occur around people who do not support you. As with everything in grief, only do what you can do. A tradition can be paused for a time, or never done again. You can change the tradition or make a new one. It is okay to mourn the loss of the tradition while also doing something new or nothing at all.

One common theme exists no matter what day is being difficult. Do what you need to survive the day surrounded by what gives you support on your terms. Grief will coexist with joy and eventually the unbearable becomes lighter even though hard days still occur.