I used to be called a pack rat. I kept many weird things which few would find useful. This came from growing up with nothing, and then if I threw something out, I needed it soon after.
When we down-sized, moving into our current home, I became frustrated with having so much. I could pack and move it to the new home, or I could toss it into my truck and take loads to Goodwill and the dump. Only a few boxes made it to the new house.
Now I feel like I am accumulating things again. I cannot let go of much. These items are not usable like my cords, nor helpful like my sheet music filling boxes. The new items are familiar objects belonging to Caleb.
Earlier this week, I ran across his Bible we gave him when he was five-years-old and ‘graduated’ to sitting in the church service with us. This Bible sat on his desk and dresser for many years. I cannot part with it easily and seeing it causes pain, so it sits in the dresser top drawer for now.
Then I had an email reminding me I needed to renew my domain names before they expired. I logged in and saw one was CalebLloyd.net. I bought it for him years ago. I asked if he wanted his email there or a page. No? I said I would hold on to it until he wanted it. How can I let it lapse now?
Tonight, I opened Twitter for the first time in a while. I was thinking of deactivating it because I do not agree with censorship of any kind. They became irrelevant years ago. I have posts being sent there automatically from my blog, but I don’t think anyone sees them there. As I poked around, I saw painful reminders from when Emily died, and this last note (below) Caleb sent to me on the platform. I could not deactivate the account. Why would I want to remove a reminder of Caleb wanting to talk to me?
Many more remnants of memories are boxed in the garage and scattered around the house. I am a hoarder now. The only hoarder in the world of Caleb’s things.