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What If

Every day, I think about Caleb and mourn his absence. Some days it stabs me as if it were the day it happened. To go in public or interact with people, I have to kill that part of myself. Every time, yet it often resurrects itself to stop the fun.

Recently, the shop repairing my truck came to my house and picked me up so I could retrieve it. It’s a nice perk of living two miles from them and their small town service. The driver was likely Caleb’s age. We talked a bit about his truck and mine, nothing much, but his speech pattern reminded me of Caleb. Later in the day, the guys were talking about hanging out with their kid and video games. My mind jumps to playing online with Caleb: Quake III Arena, Far Cry, Unreal Arena, StarCraft, and more. I struggle to not break down in their presence.

Some days I wonder what life would be like if we had never had a pregnancy. We would adopt the child we have and not know this horrendous pain. Occasionally, I wonder what life would be like if one of our other children had survived.

I struggle with the equation; not having the love versus not having the excruciating pain. It’s really hard to see which way the scales tip when it hurts so much but want him so desperately. Despite thinking about this balance off and on for over four years, and discussing it with two of my closest friends, I have not commented on this publicly because I thought time would help bring clarity. It really has not. I am not saying I wish he was never here, because I enjoyed my time with him immensely. There were struggles and difficulties. I mean, he was a teen for a while, but overall, he was beyond exceptional. But loss has no pain when there is no love, and with great love comes great pain.

I know I will catch flak for writing this, but this blog captures the good and the ugly. I am beyond thrilled for those of you who do not understand, because you must experience this kind of loss to understand. When faced with the daily onslaught of painful memories, reminders that no new memories will occur, and an ever-growing list of secondary losses, sometimes our brain goes into irrational places to find a path to peace, even if fleeting. Additionally, our losses cause the more mundane daily problems in our life to be magnified. This is just another thing I struggle with daily, and another thing that causes guilt for thinking about it, and another thing someone out there will use to cast judgment upon me.

See Related: My Not Strong, Unbrave New World, Haunted, Fall Brings

Published inAdoptionGrief

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