When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
Caleb’s favorite song for many years was “Fix You” by Coldplay. He would lie in bed reading or playing a video game and Coldplay would be on repeat. I liked his taste in music except for this group. Sometimes I would tease I needed to “Fix You”.
When the tears come streaming down your face
‘Cause you lose something you can’t replace
This song shreds me but I feel closer to Caleb when listen to Coldplay. The song does not have to be playing for the tears to stream down my face. Most of the time you do not see them but they are there. A smoldering ache of loss permeates all activities; no child can be replaced (see Job Also Had a Broken Filter).
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Caleb, I wish I could have “Fix You” but now you are where there is no pain. It has been seventeen months today since you went home. I Love you Bubby!