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The Playlist

I have thought for a few weeks that some have quit reading my posts but still want to engage. In talking with a friend this week, an idea sprouted; maybe some would relate better to music. This playlist has songs I listened to during my struggles with Emily, doubt, faith, and various times with Caleb. It also has some which evoke other wins and losses. Scroll down and read my comments on the songs!

The entire Flyleaf, Memento Mori, and Awake albums provided most of the soundtrack of my life from 2010 to 2015. Caleb listened to Awake, Coldplay, and others.

WARNING: The songs here are not likely to need content warning, but some songs on the Flyleaf album not on this playlist are HARD to listen to.

This list is in memory of Caleb (33 months ago today), Emily (135 months ago), and Alex (356 months ago)

21 Years – TobyMac lost his son at age 21 to a drug overdose about a year after Caleb died at 21. “Why would You give and then take him away? Suddenly end, could You not let it fade? What I would give for a couple o’ days.”

Lucy – (Emily) “I just wanna hold her, I’d give up all the world to see That little piece of heaven looking back at me.”

Though You Slay Me – He has all but tried. “The one who’s torn me apart. You struck down to bind me up. …Though You slay me, Yet I will praise You.”

God Only Knows“Every day you try to pick up all the pieces. All the memories, they somehow never leave you. … God only knows how it’s killing you.”

State of Me“Some may fear running to the unknown, But please, just tell me where else can we go. Broken, hostile state of my life now.”


The Elements“This world always gotta be stealing my heart. This world always tryin’ to rip my family apart. … You start to doubt everything that you know. I feel the heat and it’s starting to show.”

You Say“When I don’t belong, oh You say I am Yours.”

Fix You – Read the post to understand this song’s inclusion and why so much Coldplay is on the list, **READ ->  Fix You

The Scientist – Caleb exemplified the scientist. He would swing between engrossed in his activities, then swing toward chasing relationships.

Viva La Vida – This is so me. “I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone. Sweep the streets I used to own.” 

See You Soon – This is our life. “In a telescope lens when all you want is friends. I’ll see you soon.”

Breaking Free“But your faith it gives me strength, Strength to believe.”

Wish You Were Here **READ -> Wish You Were Here

Bring Me to Life – My coming back from the edge of faith.

Hello – Loss of a sibling.

Tourniquet – Attempted suicide.

Why God

Into the Sea “My heart is breaking In a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing With the question, ‘Are you still good?'”

Truth Be Told – I am told to speak my truth, but when I do, people rarely want to hear it. “So keep your messes and your wounds And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors.”


Life Screams

I’m So Sick“I’m so sick, Infected with where I live Let me live without this Empty bliss, Selfishness”


All Around Me

Sorrow“Sitting closer than my pain, He knew each tear before it came. Soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by.”

Believe – God knows my faith and can handle my screaming at Him. “If you believed When I said I’d be better off without you, Then you never really knew me at all.”

Monster – Not only is this me, but Caleb identified with this song. He loved the entire Awake album as well. We have more in common than either of us knew then. “I feel like a monster. My secret side I keep hid under lock and key”



Published inFaithGrief

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