Dates on the Calendar

We have in the past put less value into dates on the calendar than most. Donna and I live the entire year honoring and respecting each other and our kids. We take time to make each person feel special at different times.

The real treats are random acts and gifts unexpected. It is not normal for Donna and I to exchange gifts at Christmas, birthdays, or anniversary. However, we give gifts when we find something special the other would like.

This attitude about dates not having a lot of meaning turned. I’ve noticed a pattern. The pattern formed as I was reading through Donna’s old blog posts and I hit this one:

I had hoped that the dates on the calendar would just click by and that I would not be emotionally affected by the passing of the days this week.  I had hoped by now I would be clicking along with life and that the day would go by unnoticed.  However, that is not to be.  Today when I pulled out my planner to mark some dates on the calendar, I saw the whited out information that had been written in the block for June 10.  All of the emotions came back. I remember so vividly writing “BABY DUE” in that block with a smile on my face.  I also remember whiting out that same information with a broken heart and uncontrollable tears.

I never expected to feel so much grief and pain this long after having experienced the initial loss. In my entire life I have never felt so alone.  At first people told us  ”we are there for you”.  As time has passed I have had continued issues due to a botched D&C I have come to realize that many people only say they are here to make themselves feel better.  Since the initial surgery I have had an additional surgery, continued infections and more sick days than well days. I have experienced physical pain like none other in my life.  I have had days in which the pain is so bad I can not walk from my bed to the bathroom without feeling like my body is being cut in half.   I have been poked and prodded by more doctors than I care to ever know with no results coming forth in how to make my body get better.

Only a handful of family and friends have even asked how we are doing during the past several months.  People don’t know what to say so they say nothing at all which actually makes things worse.  I guess people just expect me to forget and move on.  Believe me if I could I would, however when I spend 3 out of 7 days a week physically ill I find it difficult to move on.

David has been a super hero during this time.  Even during his time of grief and not understanding my continued illness he has had to continue to work full time, as well as pick up more than his fair share of house work, cooking and keeping the kids entertained.  I am thankful that I have David as partner to lean on during difficult times.  Many marriages don’t make it through difficult times such as these.  I am so glad that we have a strong foundation and strong bonds that are helping to hold us together.

Donna Lloyd, June 8, 2010 in House of Lloyd

The date hit me, June 8, 2010. Other notable events, mostly losses, occurred around this time of year. 

• • June 1991 – Our first miscarriage.
  • June 1995 – Years of infertility turned into starting Clomid. We should have been pregnant on this first round. We were in a terrible place. It took 2 more rounds.
  • June 25, 1996 – Caleb born
  • mid-June 2008 – Exhausted from trying to get pregnant. Tired and beaten down by a foster care system not placing adoptable children with us. We had 4 failed adoption matches and decided we were done; no way we would adopt. (We adopted Madi in July.)
  • June 10, 2010 – Thirteen years after having Caleb and completely not expecting a pregnancy, we are expecting a daughter on June 10. We miscarried.
  • June 10, 2016 – My Granny Viola died. I could not attend nor mourn because I found out while waiting in the hospital. Donna was having a double surgery to finally fix health issues caused by the failed DNC, failed uterine ablation, and botched hysterectomy all resulting from the miscarriage 6 years earlier.
  • June 9, 2018 – Caleb dies

Caleb and Madi have birthdays 1 day apart. They were supposed to be on the same day; another long story. They used to share their birthday with each picking different things to do together.

Today, May 5th, is 1 year since I last saw Caleb alive. Tomorrow is my birthday. 

So dates matter more to all 3 of us now but unfortunately not in a good way. I do not want today or my birthday. Madi has to share her birthday with a memory. The day before Father’s Day was Caleb’s memorial service so I don’t want this day either. For so many reasons, I am ready for it to be July 5th because June sucks.