It has been 19 months since Caleb died and I am still grieving.
It feels like 19 years except sometimes it feels like it has been days. When I started going to support group I heard someone say their loved one passed 18 months ago. At that time, I could not imagine 8 months, much less 18. Somehow I made it 19 months.
Many people cannot understand the grief of a parent of suicide. Some think I should get past this soon, or be moving forward, or something. Maybe they have lost a grandparent or parent and think it is similar. It is not. You may grieve the loss of a close family member a lot but it differs from losing your child. When the loss is from suicide, I can not yell at the drunk driver, drive-by shooter, or other perpetrator of violence. I could blame the God I serve for not stopping it or my child for not reaching out to me. For a while I joined the large segment of society and blamed myself for not recognizing what would occur. None of the above can be blamed though.
I am different; changed by grief these last 19 months. When Emily died 10 years ago, I changed some. Caleb’s death forged many more changes. I won’t be who I used to be. I can not. Anyone who wants to walk this journey alongside me is welcome and those who want me to return to my old self will be disappointed.
Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash