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19 Months

It has been 19 months since Caleb died and I am still grieving.

It feels like 19 years except sometimes it feels like it has been days. When I started going to support group I heard someone say their loved one passed 18 months ago. At that time, I could not imagine 8 months, much less 18. Somehow I made it 19 months.

Many people cannot understand the grief of a parent of suicide. Some think I should get past this soon, or be moving forward, or something. Maybe they have lost a grandparent or parent and think it is similar. It is not. You may grieve the loss of a close family member a lot but it differs from losing your child. When the loss is from suicide, I can not yell at the drunk driver, drive-by shooter, or other perpetrator of violence. I could blame the God I serve for not stopping it or my child for not reaching out to me. For a while I joined the large segment of society and blamed myself for not recognizing what would occur. None of the above can be blamed though.

I am different; changed by grief these last 19 months. When Emily died 10 years ago, I changed some. Caleb’s death forged many more changes. I won’t be who I used to be. I can not. Anyone who wants to walk this journey alongside me is welcome and those who want me to return to my old self will be disappointed.


Related Posts: I Miss Who I WasLetter to Caleb: One YearSix Months

Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash

Published inGrief

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