Many people are uncomfortable with my grief. I am told to “give it to God”, “stop dwelling on the past”, or they simply avoid talking with me.
If your kid has ever left home on an overnight trip without you, or went to college or military, have you woke up the next day not thinking about your child? Did you go about your business Tuesday and Wednesday without thinking of them? My child is further away and can not return, but I am supposed to stop thinking of him?
Saturday night I was praying and crying for hours. I pleaded for mercy and direction. I need God’s mercy from this continual punishment. It may not be real punishment but it feels the same. Sunday morning I get a call from someone close and he tells me he was going to kill himself the night before. He stopped himself because he was holding one of Caleb’s possessions I had given him. He knew he needed to talk.
After he calmed down, he wanted to talk about why life was so hard. He wanted to know why, despite his prayers, God had not made life easy. His faith was shaken and wanted to know if Caleb’s death had shook mine.
I told him my story. The death of your child can shake your faith and I did have questions for God when Caleb died. My faith was not in jeopardy then but it was when Emily died. I told him it was the subject of the book I am writing and the highlights of the story.
This story is not the only one I have of people choosing life. I would rather make people uncomfortable with my grief as long as it makes others comfortable to talk and choose life. I think God confirmed my direction, at least for now. If you must be in the storm all the time, be a beacon of hope.
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