Every day without my son is difficult. The ninth and tenth of each month are harder. When these days fall on a Saturday or Sunday, like this month, I have physical symptoms. Today I have a pounding headache, stomach feels weird, and tired. While this could be anything else, similar weirdness occurs each month during these days and more so on a Sunday the 10th.
I was sitting in church this morning and the entire time I had invasive thoughts of the dreadful Sunday in 2018. I texted Caleb often and knew he was dealing with an issue with his roommates. I forgot to text him an encouragement before going to church, so I did it during service. Shortly after getting home that Sunday, officers arrived to tell us the horrific news.
Amid this, today my pastor said something like, “God is in control. Nothing happens which is not in His plan.” This is a bitter pill to swallow. When I was praying and begging for a child for years long ago, God knew Caleb would die too young.
I said, “I love you. Come back soon.” to my son every time he left. He knew when I was upset at him and why. He also knew I loved him unconditionally. I told him often. I saw him at some of his worst moments, gave him the biggest lectures, and always followed it with love. I texted and called him often, and every conversation would restate my love for him. The only thing worse than this personal hell would be knowing I had not said how much I loved him often. If love could have saved him, he would have lived forever.
Tell your children how you feel often. If they disappoint you, it is because you love them. If you are upset with their decisions, it is because you love them. Should you focus on the hurt or on the love? Always focus on your love for them! You have no idea how much time you have together.
(photo is my sister and Caleb)