The further down this road I go, the further away I get from who I once was. I am moving forward but not toward what you want or I want; just forward. Success evades my path, and happiness eludes it. I will not be who I once fought to become. Who walks this road peacefully? Dragged every inch while kicking and screaming, or prodded and pushed, I am moving forward away from who I want to be.
I am a huge fan of “It’s OK not to be OK”. This contradiction informs us we can survive. I can comprehend I will somehow survive, but I do not know how it will ever be OK again. This is week 89, and it is the hardest one in the last 80, but I have hope. If we can survive not being OK, then maybe we can change our personal definition of OK. This does not mean life is good, but we are well, spiritually and emotionally.
I wrote about the tyranny of positivity in Positivity is not a Panacea. Our culture is addicted to positivity. If something is not going fantastically well, then we put a spin on it. If we do not feel happy, then something is wrong. I have had multiple friends get divorces and tell me it is because they deserve happiness.
If others deserve happiness then don’t I? My road to happiness is behind me. I would have to go backwards. Time is dragging me forward. I would have to go backwards on this road, backwards in time, to get to a place of happiness.
Most people take marriage vows with a promise to always be faithful and present through good times and bad. Why do they deserve to leave to find happiness when times are tough? I made a vow to always be there for my kids. I never imagined they would not always be here for me.
Donna and I have committed our lives together. We have vowed to always support, love, and care each other. Neither one of us are happy. I have joy in our relationship, but it is difficult to be on this road. She makes my time here better and I hope I enrich her life also, but I would not call this fun. We half joked we are Un-Happily Ever After. Living life does not mean a having a happy existence. It is OK not to be OK.
Related Posts: Positivity is not a Panacea, My Not Strong, Unbrave New World, I Miss Who I Was
I agree — we will NEVER be totally happy again. Today, I posted a photo of my four children and me and added the comment, ¨When I was whole.¨ I then realized that my three living children would also see it, so I made sure to add, ¨I am still very blessed. I love you Justin, Jenna and Ryan!¨ (But, in all honesty, I will never, ever be ¨happy¨ again.
Thank you for sharing.
I will continue to read your archived blogs! Your style of writing is wonderful, even though I know it is wracked with pain. And I am sorry for that.
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